John McCain eats a bug

Hard to swallow

Contestant John McCain was not deterred by the hissing of his meal.

"Crunchy," said McCain, chewing on a three-inch-long Madagascar hissing cockroach. "Needs salt."

With that task complete, McCain became the longest survivor on the TV reality show "Who Wants to be a Republican Nominee for President -- Really, Really Badly?"

During his six years on the program, McCain has proved to be patient and flexible. Very flexible.

"Eating a bug was easy," McCain said. "Compared to some of the other challenges, like kissing Jerry Falwell's butt, or watching the previous winner piss on everything America stands for."

McCain has achieved his longevity on the show thanks to support from his team, who have helpfully criticized his patriotism and mental competence.

"McCain and [other player] Colin Powell just don't understand military matters like I do," said supporter Bill O'Reilly, who has read Tom Clancy novels.

If McCain survives for the remaining two years, he'll face the winner from the competing show "Who Wants to be The Wishy-Washy Democratic Disappointment?"