War on fascism requires dictatorial powers, fervent nationalism

Our fearless leader

Congress must retroactively approve his use of dictatorial powers, President Bush demanded today.

"We cannot defend democracy," said the president, "Without unquestioning congressional approval of torture, domestic spying, detention camps, military trials, and 'Get out of Jail Free' cards for me and Dick."

Bush threatened to shut down the programs unless Congress stamped its approval of his laws.

"Congress must pass my laws in a timely fashion," Bush said. "Any time before the November elections would be good."

"Otherwise," Bush warned, "I will stop playing and go home. And that will be on your head."

Fortunately, only a few Republican senators oppose the president's proposals.

"I may be willing to kiss Falwell's ass," said Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.), "But I draw the line at endangering U.S. troops."

Other opposing senators could not be reached for comment. The White House reported that they were taking an extended tour of U.S. government facilities in Cuba.

Conservative pundits have praised the president's plan, in unison.

"This draws a clear distinction between President Bush and the previous president," said barking head Sean Hannity, alongside dancing flag images. "Clinton asked the court to define intercourse. Bush asked Congress to define torture. See how far we've come?"