Liquids banned; snakes welcomed

Passengers after removal
of all liquids

In the past week, airlines have banned liquids, chapstick, deoderant, clothing, and external genitalia.

But snakes aren't on the list.

"The comfort and security of our passengers are our first priority," said Southwest Airlines spokesperson Sirah Yeng. "Okay, thirty-first and twenty-fifth, but they're still way up there."

"That's it, I'm driving to London," said New Yorker Ronald Tracey.

The U.S. Transportation Security Administration has asked airlines to provide at least one snake per passenger, as part of the administration's War on Terror.

"Hey, it makes as much sense as anything else we're doing," said assistant TSA spokesperson Kip Galloway.

President Bush urged Americans to be patient.

"We must stand together as we sit on planes," Bush said, sipping spiked lemonade on Air Force One.

Meanwhile, Vice President Cheney criticized Connecticut voters for electing a Democrat in that state's Democratic primary.

"It emboldens our enemies," Cheney said. "When voters elect a candidate who does not support this administration's ophidian initiatives."

Cheney then sunned himself on a rock.