White House toilet clogged by U.S. Constitution

Bush is standing firm

President Bush today promised to continue sending plumbers to Iraq until his White House toilet was unclogged.

"We will finish the mission," Bush said. "And today's mission for the U.S. plumbers in Iraq is ... card please ... 'fix my toilet.'"

Bush also announced that corporate benefactor Haliburton has graciously volunteered to accept a seven-billion-dollar contract to clear the blockage.

"We will continue pouring money down that toilet until it clears," promised Haliburton C.E.O. Richard Wahd.

The chief U.S. toilet inspector investigated the clogged orifice last week.

"I pulled out the Constitution," said plumber laureate I.P. Freely. "Then civil liberties and the rule of law. Also, several pictures of Jeff Gannon."

"But the economy and the environment were too big to pull out. I think our nation's honor and values are behind them."

"I don't know how we'll pull out New Orleans."

Senate Democrat Russ Feingold (D-Wis.) called a news conference this afternoon to demand that the president tell the American people how long it would take to fix the toilet, pay off the toilet profiteers, and bring the plumbers home. Fortunately, he was promptly gagged by fellow Democrats.

"We need to show the American people that Democrats are strong leaders," said Senate Minority Chair Harry Reid (D-Nev.). "We will continue being milquetoast pushovers as long as that takes."

"Mmmmph!" Feingold responded. "Mmm mmmmnnn mmdioht."

An AP poll of U.S. citizens shows 35 percent approve of the president's plumbing plan, while the other 65 percent think those 35 percent are nuts.