An anonymous NSA criminologist,
desperately seeking a neck
Warrantless spying on the Frankenfurter mansion is necessary to fight the war on terror, say administration sources.
"Society must be protected," said administration spokesperson Dr. Everett von Scott on Monday.
An NSA criminologist, speaking on condition of anonymity, also applauded the Transylvanian Surveillance Program.
"Who knows what diabolical plan may have seized the occupants' crazed imaginations?" said the criminologist. "We know Dr. Frankenfurter is researching android soldiers, sonic-transduction weaponry, and — worse yet — kinky sex and watersports."
"Regardless, it is clear that it will be ... no picnic. We must be allowed to monitor suspected Transylvanians. And their neighbors. And their neighbors' pet-sitters. And their neighbors' pet-sitters' neighbors."
The criminologist dismissed rumors that the NSA had tapped into the mansion's video intercom system.
"It would be wrong to exploit NSA technology and lack of judicial oversight simply for voyeurism," said the criminologist. "As Dr. Frankenfurter told Brad Majors last night in the blue bedroom, there's no crime in giving yourself over to pleasure."
"You can trust us," the criminologist continued, "Not to abuse our unsupervised invasions of your privacy."
Republican senators on the Senate Intelligence Committee have promised to investigate the illegal spying.
"We will investigate," said Sen. Chuck Hagel (R-Neb.), "How to legalize warrantless spying on suspected Transylvanians. And their neighbors. We may compromise on the pet-sitters."
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