G.O.P. sued for breach of Contract with America

Former DA Jack McCoy

The biggest class action suit ever began today, as attorneys presented opening arguments against the Republican Party for allegedly breaching its "Contract with America."

"Your honor, counsel for the plaintiffs intends to show that the defendants have grossly violated the terms of their own contract," began attorney Jack McCoy.

"Um, no they haven't," countered defense attorney Kevin Lomax. "Okay, they've made a few mistakes. But who among us is perfect?"

"We're not asking your clients to be perfect," McCoy responded later. "We're just asking for something above the tenth percentile."

At last count, 180 million Americans had joined the class-action suit. McCoy left a district attorney post in New York to take the case, partnering with former assistant Claire Kincaid.

McCoy has declared intent to sue the defendants for violation of promises of fiscal responsibility, national security, term limits, fairness to senior citizens, welfare reform, and restoration of the American dream.

"Fiscal responsibility?" asked McCoy, rhetorically. "This spending spree with our children's money? Apparently the credit card thiefs I've put behind bars over the years have been fiscally responsible!"

"Objection!" shouted Lomax.

"And when did the American dream turn into an Orwellian nightmare?"

"Objection! Objection!"

"Sustained," said Judge Richard O'Brien, who is hearing the case. "Mr. McCoy, you know as well as I do that the Patriot Act expressly forbids references to Orwell."

Speaking for Republicans, Vice President Dick Cheney has denounced the case as "ridiculous, outrageous, and harmful to our troops."

"I've got them for breach of contract," McCoy responded. "And if I eat my Wheaties, I can get them for graft, fraud, bribery, corruption, treason, and illegal wiretapping."

President Bush has asked the judge to "define wiretapping."

RSS feed

Recent stories

2016/05/04 Thing found under rock now presumptive GOP nominee
2016/05/03 Wicked Witch blocks vote on Judge Garland due to typo
2011/03/07 Governor Walker visits Farmer Brown
2006/10/31 Scary characters promised for Nov. 7 Halloween celebration
2006/10/13 Bush stubs toe; blames Clinton
2006/09/25 John McCain eats a bug
2006/09/18 Fighting fascism requires dictatorial powers, fervent nationalism
2006/09/10 Mickey Mouse resigns from Disney
2006/08/28 Pluto leaving Solar System entirely
2006/08/15 Liquids banned; snakes welcomed
2006/07/25 Embryos evacuated safely from Lebanon
2006/06/26 Microsoft to counter growing robot threat
2006/06/17 Alderaan survivors are enjoying homeworld's death, says author
2006/05/30 Mexican banditos may get amnesty for service in NSA
2006/04/24 Aquaman elected mayor of New Orleans
2006/04/17 Kunta Kinte advises caution on 'guest worker' program
2006/03/27 White House toilet clogged by U.S. Constitution
2006/03/13 White House defends spying on Frankenfurter mansion
2006/03/07 Yet another pig lipsticked
2006/02/28 ABC to air Lost retrospective retrospective
2006/02/20 Media unfair to Darth Vader
2006/02/10 Bush orders surveillance of black funerals
2006/02/06 Paris Hilton missing after cruise ship wedding to Scott Peterson
2006/01/30 Oprah summons the full power of the storm
2006/01/23 Plantation owners offended by Clinton's "plantation" remark
2006/01/16 G.O.P. sued for breach of Contract with America
2006/01/11 Nosferatu promises to keep an open mind
2006/01/09 God sues Pat Robertson for slander
2006/01/02 Bush expresses, hires Lowered Expectations

Faux-News Archives