Bush expresses, hires Lowered Expectations

President Bush today defended payments made by the White House to online dating service LoweredExpectations.com.

President Bush

"The fact that someone leaked (state name of secret plot) causes great harm to the United States," Bush said.

The payments began two months ago, say White House sources. The president's approval rating had shrunk below that of Hannibal Lector's. And his personal bubble was down to three people.

Somehow, the president had to attract potential supporters without coming into any kind of actual contact with them.

"The dating service was the president's idea," said one source. "Can you tell?"

Transcript of the president's online video

"My name is George. I like ... toast."

"If you follow me on our 'date with destiny,' I'll take you to some of America's remaining major cities."

"I'll be using your credit card, so the sky's the limit!"

"We'll have a great time, as long as you do what I tell ya. Don't worry, my friends will show you the ropes ... and the hoods, and the electrodes."

"Casual dress is recommended ... as are running shoes, an emergency medical kit, and a life preserver."

"Call me."

"What? They don't have my number? I know that. You think I don't know that?"

"Look, just dial any phone number and say any of a number of key words. I'll get the message."

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