Scientists: U.S. faces threat of disco fever

Dr. Dulmur considers disco a relative dementia in space

A visiting researcher at Stanford warns that the United States may soon face an outbreak of disco fever.

"FEMA is not ready," said Dr. Hugh Dulmur, "For the awesome devastation caused by disco fever."

A disco epidemic last hit the United States in the 1970s, leaving a trail of victims in its wake. Those who survived hoped it was gone forever.

But recently Dulmur and other scientists began noticing the repetition of events from the 1970s.

"Obviously, there's this useless sewer of a war," said Dulmur, who is assisting Standford's Department of Temporal Investigation. "A corrupt administration is abusing its power. Gas prices have tripled. And Deborah Harry is singing with Blondie again."

These events led Dulmur and others to suspect a time loop. Measurements taken by Dulmur and his companion, Leela, revealed a significant correlation between events in the Seventies decade and those in the current "Uh-oh's" decade.

An unknown disco victim from the '70s

"If a time loop is really happening," Dulmur said, "We should soon be observing short-term loops."

"If a time loop is really happening," Dulmur said, "We should soon be observing short-term loops."

From there, computer simulations predicted disco fever could spread across the United States within the next two years.

"There's an 82 percent chance of disco fever," Dulmur said. "And an 11 percent chance of its less-virulent cousin, boogie fever."

Bush: I will survive

President Bush plans to combat the spread of the disease.

"I plan on stayin' alive," Bush said. "I'm a ... macho man."

"I've asked Congress for the authority to use the military within the United States," Bush said, "If disco fever strikes our great nation. Or if Cindy Sheehan gets any more publicity. Or if I'm just in a bad mood."

"That's the way ... I like it," Bush added.