Universe implodes after neighbor leaves dandelions in lawn

The universe imploded yesterday, reducing billions of galaxies to a single point of immeasurable mass.

Globular dandelion cluster

Neighbors point to dandelions on Joseph Smith's lawn as the cause.

"I told him several ways to get rid of them," said Howard Moynlin. "But it was always 'I think they're pretty' or 'I don't want to poison my kids.' Now the whole neighborhood's a point mass. Thanks a lot, Joe."

Moynlin was one of the lucky few rescued by the alien race known as the Heechee before the Earth was pulled asunder by tidal forces. Now, like the rest of us, he lives in the Gateway asteroid on the edge of the biggest event horizon ever.

"You let those dandelions grow, and they take over your whole lawn," Moynlin said. "Then they spread over your neighbor's lawn, and his neighbor's lawn, until pretty soon the whole planet's one big dandelion patch, spreading dandelion seeds across the universe, altering the distribution of mass and reversing cosmological expansion."

"All from one dandelion," Moynlin said.

But Jim McClune, who lives in the same tunnel as Moynlin, has his own theory of the cause.

"It was the Clintons," McClune said. "I just know it's all their fault."