Congress to protect American flag with special yellow fluid

Rep. Rhett Skaul
(R-Calif.)

The United States Congress has approved a constitutional amendment that would finally, after two hundred years, protect the American flag from freedom of speech.

"We must protect it from the flag burners," said Rep. Rhett Skaul (R-Calif.). "If this bill passes, we can require application of our special fire retardant, Agent U, to all flags."

Skaul dismissed leaks that Agent U was, in fact, urine, but admitted that the fluid slightly discolored flags.

"It's not like it's the first time Republicans have stained the flag," Skaul said. "But the American people know that we can take care of business."

Skaul predicted the amendment would succeed, regardless whether it passed.

"On one hand, we've distracted the nation," Skaul said. "On the other, we get to question the patriotism of any Democrats who vote against this amendment."

"It's a wee-wee situation," Skaul said.

Rep. Steve Rogers
(D-N.Y.)

But Rep. Steve Rogers (D-N.Y.) disagreed.

"Our flag is best served," Rogers said, "By protecting our nation and our freedom."

"The difference between a free nation and a fascist one is that a free nation does not need to protect its icons."

"I fought fascism in WW II," Rogers said. "And I will fight it again today."

Republicans quickly demanded an apology.

"Rogers went over the top," said Vice President Dick Cheney, "Comparing Republicans to Nazis is out of line. The Nazis killed and tortured millions of people. We're still in the thousands."

"Who does this Steve Rogers think he is, anyway?"