Northern liberal to walk for president

Senator Jefferson Smith (D-Minn.) has announced plans to walk for president in 2008.

Sen. Jefferson Smith
(D-Minn.)

Demonization of Smith is scheduled to begin this Thursday.

Smith would be the fifth northern liberal senator to head the Democratic ticket since 1968.

"The fifth time's the charm," said Howard Dean, chair of the Democratic Party. "This time, we're going to walk all the way to the White House! Yeaarrrgggghhhhh!"

Republican Party spokesperson Jim Taylor is also excited about Smith's chances.

"Mr. Smith is a smart, honorable patriot," Taylor said. "He's moderate and a competent leader. He's dedicated his life to his country."

"Yeah," Taylor said, "Like they haven't tried that before."

Demonization of Smith will begin, Taylor said, with television ads from a group called Boy Rangers for Truth, painting Smith as a shrill, out-of-touch elitist.

Bark radio will begin dismantling Smith's Senate record Friday morning. Initial focus will be on Smith's 2002 vote against sending bandaids to our soldiers.

Smith voted against the 2002 omnibus spending bill S.314, which included increased funding for military bandaids on page 1536, immediately before an item which transferred funding from the Veterans Administration to faith-healing contractors.

Later, attention will be drawn to Smith's 2005 vote against the Fluffy Kitten Protection Act.

In two weeks, Penguin Publishing will release the book The Truth About Jefferson. Besides charging Smith with graft, murder, and even ... homosexuality, the speculative biography raises new questions about the Willet Creek real estate scandal.

Taylor emphasized that Smith has not yet been charged with any crime in connection with Willet Creek. "Smith should be considered innocent," Taylor said, "Until eventually proven guilty by the special persecutors."

Throughout it all, Smith will be referred to just by his first name, Jefferson, rather than his title, Sen. Smith. "It's just a little denigration we do," Taylor said.

"By the end of the month, Smith's name will be cursed by every weak-minded fool our obsessed Jefferson-haters can reach. Smith may be a decent, hard-working American -- but that's no match for a well-funded right-wing smear campaign."

"Mr. Smith," Taylor said, "Will not be going to Washington."