Cancer Man criticizes Deep Throat

Deep Throat seeks to profit from his violation of FBI rules, said Cancer Man yesterday, under an assumed identity.

Charles Spender
("Cancer Man")

"As a law enforcement officer, if Mark Felt thought Nixon was involved in a conspiracy, his duty was to take the evidence either to his boss or the attorney general," said Cancer Man, also known as Cigarette-Smoking Man. "As Nixon-appointed co-conspirators, they would have had the best knowledge of what to do with it."

"Now, he's a pitiful, pathetic old man who can hardly stand," said Cancer Man, his eyes turning oily black with rage. "He's trying to get money from a book deal."

Over the last 30 years, Cancer Man has written several books on his involvement in the Watergate conspiracy, accepted speaking engagements, and appeared in a cameo role in the 1974 movie Planet of the Tapes.

Up until now, all his public comments have been made through assumed identities such as Patrick Buchanan or Chuck Barris.

But his latest remarks led to his outing by an anonymous source close to the administration, who prefers to be known only as "Deep Stare."

"The source of these comments is Charles Spender," said Deep Stare, "Also known as Cancer Man. Spender is a liar, an arsonist, an assassin, a co-conspirator with the alien program to take over the world via honeybees carrying a virus transforming people into alien/human hybrids, and he cheats at cards."

Walter Skinner

Faced with evidence of Cancer Man's treason, conservative commentators leapt to criticize Deep Stare.

"Deep Stare is no hero," noted co-conspirator G. Gordon Liddy. "He has behaved unethically."

Liddy then crushed a baby duck in his hands.

"Why is it," barked Ann Coulter, "That the liberal press has a field day when the Bush administration outs a CIA agent, but it's okay for the FBI to out a Consortium agent managing the alien/human hybrid program?"

Several have speculated that Deep Stare is Felt protege Walter Skinner, now assistant director of the FBI. Skinner denies the charge. It may be several months before Deep Stare's true identity is revealed.