GWB arrested for GWI

George W. Bush, 59, multiple addresses, has been arrested on a charge of GWI -- Governing While Intoxicated.

President George Bush

Police responding to a call to a Pennsylvania Avenue home found Bush governing erratically.

"Subject was incoherent and belligerent," wrote Officer Carl N. Alcors in his report. "Although it was difficult to understand his disconnected speech, subject seemed to be insisting that he had a secret plan to save Social Security from a shortfall in 2040. It seemed to involve betting our retirement funds on the stock market."

"Clearly, subject was a danger to himself and others. Informed he was under arrest, subject punched Officer Naas and attempted to flee, screaming 'Freedom's on the march!'"

"Officer Naas enticed subject back with a promise of a free dental exam."

Bush was booked into the District Jail at 9:45 p.m., said a spokesperson for the D.C. Police Department. Among his possessions were a concealed radio receiver and two extra pairs of clean underwear.

After booking, Bush was placed in the drunk tank, which was already crowded with other Republican partiers, including Sen. Bill Frist (R-Tenn.) and Rep. Tom Delay (R-Texas).

Rep. Tom Delay (R-Texas)

A source from the sheriff's department, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that all the party members were severely inebriated.

"Yeah, they were drunk," the source said. "Drunk with power."

In the drunk tank, Bush demanded to appoint the judge hearing his case the next day. When told it didn't work that way, Bush demanded that his cellmates be allowed to vote on it, up or down.

"Up or down!" the drunkards shouted, banging on the glass walls of the drunk tank. "Up or down! Up or down!"

"We had to hose them down," said the source. "Then we wrote them up."

Pictures of a wet Tom Delay in captivity were received this morning by a British tabloid newspaper.

"We have no intention of running the photos," said managing editor Graham Crocker of The Sun, a fair and balanced paper owned by Rupert Murdoch's News Corporation. "We must respect the privacy of detainees, no matter how despicable."

"Also," said Crocker, "We want people to buy our paper -- not throw up on it."