Frist will move missiles into Senate

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-Tenn.) served notice Sunday that he and his mutant followers will begin moving missiles into the U.S. Senate.

Sen. Bill Frist

"Well," Frist told reporters, "What did you think we meant by 'nuclear option'?"

"Henceforth, this will be known as the 'constitutional option,'" Frist continued, waving his finger over a big red button. "Anyone here have a problem with that?"

The missiles were constructed secretly at the Guantanamo Bay military facility, then FedEx'd across our nation's secure borders in crates marked "HANDLE WITH CARE: Nuclear detonators inside."

"These missiles deserve to appear before the full Senate," Frist insisted. "These missiles' needs are my top priority."

Tensions began rising early this year when President George Bush re-nominated several moderate justices to federal appeals courts. Partisan Democrats had blocked the lifetime appointments in Bush's first term, merely for the nominees' strong belief in America's theocratic system.

But Bush decided to try again, emboldened by the spread of Republicanism through the nation's institutions via underground subway tunnels and sewers.

Democrats have promised to block Frist's missiles with filibusters. Aghast at Democrats' invention of a completely new tactic of obstructionism, most Republicans have agreed to join Frist in banning its use.

The few holdouts are slowly joining Frist.

"We must not burn a 200-year-old safeguard merely to pack the judiciary with our kind of activi...," began Sen. Richard Lugar (D-Ind.) on the Senate floor today, stopping at a glance and a tilt of the head from Frist. "... I mean, these missiles deserve an up-or-down vote. Up-or-down vote. Up-or-down vote."

Frist shows missile model to Senate
Democrats (left) and Republicans (right).

Most other Republican senators joined in the sonorous chant. "Up-or-down vote. Up-or-down vote. Up-or-down vote." Soon right-wing media and bloggers across the nation joined in the chants.

Ever the stalwart statesmen, Democratic senators have offered to allow Frist to place just two missiles in the Senate. In exchange, Frist must promise not to seek a filibuster ban ... for a year and a half.

This serves Democratic interests by allowing Republicans to appear moderate until after the 2006 midterm elections, when they will take off their masks and scare the bejeezus out of all of us.