Rumors of president's illiteracy are outrageous, illegal

Rumors of President Bush's illiteracy are outrageous, said John E. O'Neill, leader of the Ministry of Truth.

President Bush

"Criticism of the president emboldens our enemies," O'Neill said. "Citizens hearing such rumors should report them to the Ministry of Justice."

The rumors began indirectly last week when Bush announced his abstinence from email, saying "I don't wancha readin' my ... personal stuff."

Most reporters treated the story as human interest, as instructed or contracted. But two CBS News reporters, Winston Smith and Julia Wesson, secretly planned to use the story to discredit Our Leader. Rumors were sparked by the pair's research.

Within hours, the pair were discovered, when citizen monitor Bruce Charrington overhead Smith saying, "Well, I don't want you reading my email either, doofus."

As Smith and Wesson were sent to Guantanamo for re-integration, investigators found their notes in a routine warrantless search. Questioning the Patriot Act and insulting Our Leader were not enough for these rascals. Here's a sample of the notes:

• "Doesn't use email. Cites privacy -- hypocrisy or cover?"
• "Doesn't read newspapers."
• "My Pet Goat -- memorized?"
• "Married a teacher -- home schooling?"

CBS News executives have assured the administration that there was no danger of the story appearing on air. "No way, no how," said one executive. "Not again."

Now that the threat has been eliminated, the national terror alert level has been lowered to double-plus plaid.

In unrelated news, a report of increased terror activity in 2004 has been recalled by the Ministry of Truth. Anyone with a copy should return it for correction.