Gay gorilla marriage ban advances

Koko, threat to America

A bill to ban gay gorilla marriage has been introduced in the Senate by Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA), in response to a suit claiming that gorilla superstar Koko has a "nipple fetish."

"Gay gorilla marriage is the biggest threat this country faces," Santorum said over a latte in an impromptu interview at a D.C. coffeeshop. Pausing for a sip from the frothy mixture, he continued, "The future of our country hangs in the balance."

Waitress Kerri Langley agreed. "Sure. I've got two jobs, no health insurance, and I'll be supporting my mom when they cut her Social Security. Yeah, gay gorilla marriage is right at the top of my list."

TV evangelists also pounced on Koko.

"Koko is on the path to Hell," said Pat Robertson, speaking on CBN's The 700 club. "She can't actually enter Hell, since animals don't have souls. That's why we can eat them."

"Koko is 33 years old," Robertson continued. "That's 60 in gorilla years. Please, pray to God to change the population at the Gorilla Foundation."

Koko's friend Francine Patterson refused to confirm whether Koko is a lesbian.

"Frankly, Koko's relationships with other gorillas are none of your business," Patterson said. "That said, this whole 'nipple fetish' media frenzy has been misconstrued. Koko sometimes likes to point at her nipples, then a human's, and sign 'Different. Not.'"

Asked her opinion of Santorum, Koko signed, "Dirty. Dirty. Poop mouth," and ate a banana.