Bush wins Iraq election

Iraqi President
George Bush

Surprising observers, U.S. President George Bush's party won the most votes in Iraq's election, virtually guaranteeing his election as president by Iraq's new 275-member national assembly.

The Republican Party won 51 percent of the 27 million votes cast by Iraq's 26 million people.

"The Iraqi people have spoken," said Bush. "I have a mandate to serve their country with the same level of competence, moderation and responsibility I've demonstrated in the U.S. presidency."

"That's it. We're doomed," said Adnan Pachachi, a member of Iraq's governing council.

The party wasn't even intended to be on the ballot. But a U.S. election supervisor accidentally omitted a word while entering the "Republican Guard Party" into the electronic voting system.

Exit polls throughout the day had suggested the Iraqi People's Liberation Front was ahead, followed closely by the People's Liberation Front of Iraq.

But electronic voting machines don't lie. Voting software isn't programmed to modify vote totals in favor of Republican tickets. No, clearly Iraq's voters overwhelming favored a smirking chimp.

In the United States, conservative columnists rushed to proclaim the Iraq vote a victory for President Bush's Iraq policies, despite a last-minute attempt from the administration to cancel this portion of the columnists' contracts.

Bush has indicated he will accept the Iraqi presidency. He's expected to ask his commanding officer for a leave of absence from his current post, except for dental appointments.