Big inauguration compensates for electoral ... shortcomings

George Bush may not have won the election, but his inauguration may compensate for his feelings of inadequacy, says former White House psychiatrist Dr. Karl Willis.

Dr. Willis was among the non-believers asked to resign in December. Now 64, he's receiving Social Security.

"Deep down," said Dr. Willis, "George recognizes that his electronic victory is no more real than his National Guard service. A $140 million pseudo-coronation is an unconscious attempt to compensate for a life of failure."

"In school, in business, and in politics," Dr. Willis said, "George has broken everything he's touched. He's sort of an reverse-King Midas. And now he wants to play with my Social Security."

In his conscious mind, according to Dr. Willis, Bush is probably unaware of his many failures.

"Witness his inability to name any mistakes. Denial is the defense mechanism of choice for both George and his followers. George cannot allow one mistake to pass into his conscious mind, for fear of a flood of others breaking through in its wake."

Imaginary voter

Imaginary voters not invited to real inauguration

That denial has cost some Bush supporters an opportunity to join in inaugural festivities. Imaginary voters have not been invited, despite being key to Bush's electronic victory.

"Imaginary voters?" asked White House spokesperson Scott McClellan, smiling. "Don't you have something more newsworthy to cover than conspiracy theories? Are there any questions on the president's inaugural attire?"

A new suit

The president will attend the ceremonies in a new suit.

"I've been assured," said McClellan, "That the suit will lie flat in the back, regardless what the president is wearing underneath."

"The suit's fabric has a ... special quality ... that I'm not at liberty to discuss," McClelland added. "Suffice it to say that the president's new suit will appear splendid to his supporters."