Bush seeks overhaul of Washington Monument

Monument as it would appear after reform

President Bush said Thursday that the Washington Monument should be restructured.

The monument attracts thousands of visitors every year. In 2042, projections suggest, an increase in visitors will reduce the time each visitor can spend in the monument by 25 percent.

"The time to confront this problem is now," Bush told a conference of hand-picked Bush supporters. "We must save this monument for future generations," he said, as the audience chuckled.

All the conference attendees supported Bush's plan to restructure the Washington Monument.

Bush also wants Americans to be able to invest, in advance, in monument visitation rights. Thus, if you were planning on visiting the monument say, at age 65, you could begin investing now. If you planned a second visit at age 85, you should really start investing more heavily.

Your investments will be held in blue chips, in the stock market or casino of your choice.

The overhaul won't come cheap.

"We'll need to borrow, oh, say, two trillion dollars," Bush said. "The interest on that loan should more than cover the campaign contributions made by the banks represented here."

At least one company is rumored to have expressed interest in the naming rights for the monument.

"Let me be straight with you," said Helen Ovdroy, a spokesperson for Trojan's, Inc. "We can't hide our rising interest in this erec ... uh, structure. But details of our intercourse with the President must remain private."