Rumsfeld announces permanent stop-loss policy

Rumsfeld addresses troops

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced a permanent stop-loss policy in a speech to loyal troops Sunday.

"Our war on terror and oil-producing countries has no deadlines," Rumsfeld said. "But recruiting has suffered. We need to complete the mission. To complete the mission, we need soldiers. We lack volunteers, and we lack a draft.

"You wage a haphazard, indefinite war with the troops you have," Rumsfield continued. "Not the troops you want. Consequently, the President sees only one solution: lifetime enlistments."

Rumsfeld's statement prompted wild cheers from the crowd, and from Britney Spears, who had appeared on stage as Rumsfeld made his remark.

Not everyone was enthusiastic about the idea.

"I support the troops," said U.S. House minority leader Nancy Pelosi. "But I oppose our looney President's plan to permanently enslave them."

Conservative talk show hosts quickly circled into a feeding frenzy. "How can you support the troops but oppose their leader's looney plans?" asked one. "That's doesn't make sense."

Administration officials said they expected the American people to support the change to permanent enlistments. "Hey," said one. "You swallowed third-world-style secret detentions and torture. What's a little slavery mixed in?"

Soldiers attending Rumsfeld's speech had signed a loyalty oath promising unconditional support for the Bush administration. "Those who failed to sign remained in camp, happily exercising," said White House spokesperson Scott McClellan. "They do love those push-ups."