CIA will rewrite bleak memo on Iraq

Memo author

The latest bleak CIA report on Iraq will be lightened up considerably in a forthcoming rewrite.

"The situation is continuing to deteriorate," warned the original memo, from the CIA station chief in Baghdad. "Civil war is imminent. Al Qaeda recruitment is growing across the region. We might as well be wearing bullseyes. And we're out of coffee. Get us the @!^%# out of here!"

"The Bush Administration must act," said White House press secretary Scott McClellan. "This report is depressing for the President and the American people. We need to lighten its tone, make it cheery and upbeat."

"The American people gave us a mandate," McClellan said. "to fudge more intelligence reports like the one we did on Iraqi WMDs. We won't disappoint them."

The new memo will report that the situation has improved steadily since the President's "Mission Accomplished" photo opportunity in May 2003, when Bush declared that major combat operations in Iraq had ended. Also, it will be decorated with stickers of butterflies, flowers and puppies.