Scientists measure spin of Bill O'Reilly

O'Reilly

Scientists have measured the spin of Fox News talking head Bill O'Reilly.

"Until recently, his spin was too great for our technology to measure," said Dr. Perry Periwinkle of the California campus of the University of Indiana in Pennsylvia. "Recent advances in fast-framing cameras used in experimental plasma physics have changed that."

"We had to overcome other roadblocks as well," Periwinkle said. "O'Reilly spun at an even multiple of the standard NTSC frame rate in the United States, making it difficult to detect the spin when viewed from U.S. television sets.

"We also had to correct for the upward-rising temperature gradient in the atmosphere around him."

Scientists attempted to enlist O'Reilly's assistance in the measurement, but were unable to communicate with him.

"Frankly, the man never shuts up," Periwinkle said. "We'd get out half a question, and he'd interrupt, dismiss what we'd said so far, then forcibly change the topic."

Periwinkle speculated that O'Reilly's spin might be a contributing factor in his Ptolemaic view of the cosmos.

"He's spinning so fast," Periwinkle said, "That everyone around him is a blur. But he thinks everyone else is spinning, while he himself is at the center of the universe."