Tories: Declaration is "over the top"

John Murray
(T-Va.)

Today's declaration of independence by American insurgents is outrageous, said John Murray, 4th Earl of Dunmore, the rightful governor of Virginia Colony.

"It's over the top," Murray said. "His Majesty will find it ridiculous."

The inflammatory declaration echoes the insurgent's belief in democracy, a radical philosophy of mob rule.

"It claims that 'governments are instituted among Men,'" Murray said. "When we all know that the King derives his authority from God. These 'democrats' are trying to take God out of the government."

Murray is returning to England aboard the British warship on which he's lived since the insurgency began last year. But he promised that the King would not give in to the colonial terrorists.

"The King remains committed to protecting the American people from these ruffians," Murray said. "They are an extremist minority, aided by the French."

"The King will continue sending targets in bright red uniforms as long as it takes to win this war."

His Majesty King George III echoed those sentiments last month in a speech before members of his court.

"Is it worth it?" asked King George rhetorically. "It is worth it, and it is vital to the security of Our country."

"There is no higher calling than service in Our army," King George said, before leaving to see his dentist.

Insurgents interviewed for this broadsheet had much to say about the King, most of which cannot be printed.

"How'd he get to be king, anyway?" asked Tom Paine, a spokesman for the insurgents. "I didn't vote for him."