Thing from under rock
Something that crawled out from under a rock is now the presumptive Republican nominee for the presidency.
Following Indiana's primary Tuesday, Someone Creepy dropped out of the race, clearing the way for the vile thing.
"We will make America great again," oozed the odious offense against nature.
The sleazy slime slithered through the primaries, emitting claims of greatness. It spoke directly to the Republican id, saying openly things that many party members actually believe. In the end, primary voters chose the thing over 16 other candidates, including a few who were not insane.
The revolting horror is well-respected for his work in civil rights. "There's nobody that's done so much for equality as I have." It further explained that it let just anyone come into its clubs.
The thing has also spoken about immigrants, women, religion, autocracy, reporters, veterans and violence.
"The important thing is we beat Hillary," said a sobbing reporter for Fox News. "It's a clear choice between our fabricated portrayal of Clinton and a very real, racist, narcissistic ass, with no visible presidential skills, and a little boy's view of women, who thinks he's the best at everything."
How the hell this happened
Years of fostering intolerance and conspiracy theories grew a cesspool of ignorance initially considered useful. But the horrid thing thrived in the ick .
Some members of the party saw this coming, and endorsed the nominee early on.
"I endorse this mass of phlegm, ego and empty bluster," said former candidate Chris Christie. "Sure, whatever. Can I go now? I have a bridge to close."
"There are two unholy abominations," yawned former candidate Ben Carson. "One is a fetid monstrosity that spontaneously generated from garbage and waste under a rock in an illegal dump site at an abandoned chemical factory. The other is much more cerebral. It has the ability to listen and make decisions."
The unnatural goo agreed. "I have a very good brain," oozed the putrid blob. "And I've said a lot of things."
|2016/05/04||Thing found under rock now presumptive GOP nominee|
|2016/05/03||Wicked Witch blocks vote on Judge Garland due to typo||2011/03/07||Governor Walker visits Farmer Brown|
|2006/10/31||Scary characters promised for Nov. 7 Halloween celebration|
|2006/10/13||Bush stubs toe; blames Clinton|
|2006/09/25||John McCain eats a bug|
|2006/09/18||Fighting fascism requires dictatorial powers, fervent nationalism|
|2006/09/10||Mickey Mouse resigns from Disney|
|2006/08/28||Pluto leaving Solar System entirely|
|2006/08/15||Liquids banned; snakes welcomed|
|2006/07/25||Embryos evacuated safely from Lebanon|
|2006/06/26||Microsoft to counter growing robot threat|
|2006/06/17||Alderaan survivors are enjoying homeworld's death, says author|
|2006/05/30||Mexican banditos may get amnesty for service in NSA|
|2006/04/24||Aquaman elected mayor of New Orleans|
|2006/04/17||Kunta Kinte advises caution on 'guest worker' program|
|2006/03/27||White House toilet clogged by U.S. Constitution|
|2006/03/13||White House defends spying on Frankenfurter mansion|
|2006/03/07||Yet another pig lipsticked|
|2006/02/28||ABC to air Lost retrospective retrospective|
|2006/02/20||Media unfair to Darth Vader|
|2006/02/10||Bush orders surveillance of black funerals|
|2006/02/06||Paris Hilton missing after cruise ship wedding to Scott Peterson|
|2006/01/30||Oprah summons the full power of the storm|
|2006/01/23||Plantation owners offended by Clinton's "plantation" remark|
|2006/01/16||G.O.P. sued for breach of Contract with America|
|2006/01/11||Nosferatu promises to keep an open mind|
|2006/01/09||God sues Pat Robertson for slander|
|2006/01/02||Bush expresses, hires Lowered Expectations|